Short & Sporadic Lies

2011-10-19T07:35:00.000-07:00

GOP Debate Summary
by Hal and Shelly McCabe

1. Herman Cain: Still a clown. 'I would look at the facts and talk to people' is not an answer. Calling the 4th independant analsys of your horrible 9-9-9 plan 'apples and oranges and only deal with the oranges' is pitiful. His poll numbers will plummet and by New Hampshire he will be under 7%.

2. Newt Gingrich: I predicted before the debate that Newt would take a shot at Anderson Cooper, and he waited until the last possible second before firing off that volley. He's prone to major mistakes, but he is composed, and smarter than anyone else on the stage, so he might be a serious VP possibility. I want him there until the bitter end because he is endlessly entertaining, lobbing grenades around like the Green Goblin.

3. Ron Paul: Shelly nailed this one when she said "So, from what I gather, Ron Paul wants the world to function like it did in The Road. " Last night I shuddered thinking about the free market controlling flight paths and frequency at National Airport here in DC. "Shit yeah we can land two wide!" Paul did the single funniest thing of the night when he brought up the fact that while the GOP says they will NEVER negotiate with terrorists, Reagan did with his Arms for Hostages deal with Iran. He then said "what?" and sat there with a fantastic grin on his face, which rememided me of when my grandfather would say something he knew was inflammitory just to see what happened.

4. Michelle Bachmann: Shelly again nailed this one so perfectly nothing else needs to be said: "She looks like a Furbee, sitting there with her eyes closed until someone says the wake-up word, which apparently for her is 'Obamacare.'"

5. Rick Santorum: I hate this guy, but he crushed it last night (except for the parts where his face was all crinkled up like someone just told him he needed to go clean up some dogshit on the carpet). He was ruthless in his attacks at times and his "You're out of time" line had me rewinding over and over. I'm also a little ashamed to admit that I really like all of his ideas to get American manufacturing going again, including his plans for the offshore tax holiday money. That said, he is a crazy bastard and I would never vote for him.

6. Mitt: At least 5 times he caused incredible douche-chill moments, most notably when he put his hand on Perry. Shelly's analysis was that his loud and obnoxious way of fighting with Perry made you feel the way you might if your dad was making a scene in a resteraunt yelling at one of your siblings. At one point after saying something he must have found particularly satisfying, he got this smirk on his face which I found rage inducing. The highlight was when Perry and Santorum were hitting him from both sides at once. He got VERY rattled in this debate, and despite all the pundants who say he won (winning one of these is a pretty light lift) and the croud was with him (as he pointed out to groans and boos) Romney did not do nearly well enough to solidify his place. With several weeks to practice, share opposition research and focus test messages, the others will be back and swinging away at him now that they see how easy it is to knock him off balance. If you hear his handlers talking about how he did fantastic and they were thrilled with his performance, they are simply lying. Last night he was creepy enough that even the "I guess Mitt Romney?" voters are taking pause today.

7. Perry: First, he is awesome. I'm not sure what his wide stance thing was all about last night, but at no point in the debate was there less than 30 inches between his feet, like he was doing the debate on a ship perhaps. He took some swings at Cain and Romney, some landed, some missed. Some were pretty low, but naturally Romney went just as low. Flashes of perfection, long sections of confusion. When I see Rick Perry debate, my thought is: yeah, that is about how well I would do. I know you'd see in my eyes what I often see in his... a man who keeps losing his train of thought and is struggling to remember the point he was trying to make, but keeps talking, just saying words, until he remembers. He has some seriously large chinks in his armor and Mitt has been focused on them with tight grouping. Last night was his best debate performance by far, but unfortunately for him, that is not saying much. At least he looked like he was more prepared, and not like some guy you just shook awake from a nap on the couch and put on stage. A little more training and a 5 Hour Energy, and he will start to really pummel Mitt.

Predictions for the Nomination (Ever Changing):

1. Perry in a squeaker.

2. Mitt bitter, and his campaign will be in debt to him for at least 4 million.

3. Paul. The only guy other than the two above who will compete to the end.

4. Gingrich. (DISTANT 4th)

5. Bachmann (Even more distant)

6. Cain (He has no idea what he is doing, I bet there are many states where he fails to make the ballot)

7. Santorum (Might not make it to then next debate)

8. Huntsman (Doneion)

"Get your finger out of my face." "Don't you touch my finger."

2009-01-12T16:02:00.000-08:00

Toddler Skiing Rules of Engagement

My family went on a ski vacation last year and we had a great time. There were some lessons learned so i threw them together as we plan our 2009 trip. If you have any to add let me know. I will be editing as Caitlin reminds me of others i have forgot about.

1. Go with other families - It all about job share. The key is to get in some quality skiing with friends or your significant other. If families share the load it can work out well.

2. Stay at the Ski Hill – the less you have to travel the more time you can actually ski. Packing up, driving, unloading, reloading, every day is too much of a hassle. Plus this enables you to eat at the condo and make sure you don’t miss any naps. See rule #7.

3. Rent Ski’s before you go – Standing in line at the ski hill is just a waste of time. Plus it is usually more expensive than renting near your home.

4. Have a schedule for adults and kids – A tight schedule will help folks know what to expect. I regret not setting one up so that

5.Pre book ski school – most places enable you to book your kids in ski school a head of time ensuring them a spot and minimizing the hassle of lines that seem to create stuch a

6. Don’t split days – Rather than try to ski for one half of a day I would suggest taking the whole day off and let your spouse or friends take a whole day and then reciprocate for you the next day. The logistics involved in hand off and schlepping across parking lots to a condo minimize your ski time and make the family time more tense…especially when one person gets lost on the other side of a hill and is an hour late.

7. Don’t miss a nap – A cranky skier is an unhappy skier. The combination of family, physical activity, and added stimulation make it important to stay on schedule. Nothing was more disappointing than being called off the ski hill to pick up my daughter who had fallen asleep in ski school. I felt bad for all of us, but really it was our fault for pushing her past her limit.

8. Bring Snacks For Every Place – Lots of calories being burned and great for bribery if you hit a snag in line, getting up a hill, etc.

9. Sledding Day – Huge hit no matter what! It seems expensive but is so worth it. Bring a camera it is the best photo experience.

2005-09-28T08:30:00.000-07:00

Looking like Obi Wan is cool.

I repeat that over and over.

Blackberry Photo Series

2005-09-25T08:13:00.000-07:00

The pink bunny hat helps us blend in.

We look more like bunnies.

Blackberry Photo Series

2005-09-22T08:44:00.000-07:00

White hats let's people we meet know we are not evil.

I need to get a white hat.

Blackberry Photo Series

2005-09-11T04:40:00.000-07:00

Green hats make us environmentally friendly.

I'm still wearing a black hat.

Blackberry Photo Series

2005-09-10T20:20:00.000-07:00

Our Daily Journey
Chapter 5 Keplers!

Keplers is in Trouble!

We want to save Keplers

but don't know what to do.

Blackberry Photo Series

2005-09-10T20:19:00.000-07:00

Our Daily Journey
Chapter 4 Keplers

Our favorite stop is Keplers Books.

Blackberry Photo Series

2005-09-10T20:17:00.000-07:00

Our Daily Journey

Chapter 3 The Flag

We wave a big orange flag

when we cross the street.

Blackberry Photo Series

2005-09-10T20:16:00.001-07:00

Our Daily Journey

Chapter 2 Kung Fu Man

Kung Fu Man is always practicing.

Sometimes he looks at us.

We have to run to get by him.
He takes up a lot of space.

He guards the ducks in the pond.

The pink hat doesn't scare him.

Blackberry Photo Series

2005-09-10T20:16:00.000-07:00

Our Daily Journey Chapter 1 - The Duck Pond

The duck pond is nice and peaceful.

But...Simcoe Seadog likes The Ducks.

We sit and watch Simcoe Seadog chase The Ducks.

The Ducks quack and fly away.

Then it is quiet.

Blackberry Photo Series

2005-09-10T16:27:00.000-07:00

Choosing a Hat
Every day the bebe and I take a trip. We see many Things.

Before we leave we choose a hat.

Today i chose a black hat.

The bebe wore a pink hat. Pink keeps the gnomes away.

I wear black so that nobody can see me at night.

Bebe doesn't worry about that. She's brave.

Blackberry Photo Series

2005-08-26T23:35:00.000-07:00

Coolest Sign in Menlo Park

Blackberry Photo Series

Blackberry Photo Series

2005-08-24T00:17:00.000-07:00

Punk Rock Girl

I cut myself out of the photo

2005-08-20T11:02:00.000-07:00

Bathroom Reading - Electronic Paper
I am sick of going to public washrooms and having to sit in a stall with nothing to read. My new idea...speed up this electronic paper stuff and lets get some interesting articles in the can. We can let the Bathroom Readers Institute (yes it is real) program the content.

This is important...we need to let the practical ideas of the world rule technology. I don't need the internet on my fridge or tv but i do need it in the bathroom at work. Its the only place i can relax.

My Research is below...it can work people! We can make it work! We just have to all work together, to get it to work!

2005-03-03T09:51:00.000-08:00

Strangest Work Expeirence Ever: Air Hockey Brawl

I have had a lot of weird experiences at my past jobs. I have been threatend, hit by trucks, thrown off of trucks, despised, loved, i've slept under my desk, and left meetings to throw up. Last week i was the strangest encounter ever.

Since last summer my team has played air hockey in the company game room pretty much every day at 2:30. It is a good mid day break, it allows my guys to blow off steam and take revenge on each other for indescretions or issues that have been building up for a long time. As a result, we get along, we don't fight, and when we do it is over quickly. It has been the best management tool I ever had.

Starting about three weeks ago we came into the game room and found a sign posted, "No Air Hockey Between 2-4 Tuesday to Thursday due to doubles pool tournament." We were floored, this really disrupted out day.

We contrived a few plans for revenge:

1. Exploding/Trick Cue Ball
2. Replace All Signs
3. Jimmy Hoffa the Pool Table Balls Into the Baylands Never to Be Seen Again

But...we are lazy, and busy, so we did nothing. We even modified our schedule to be respectful to avoid the anal, pansie pool players. I had a 10 AM meeting with my partner in crime, and part time employee, Pickle. I need to get a better nick name for him but this is all i can think of at 12 AM in the morning. I call Pickle part time because he dreams of painting and airhockey most of the day and gets his design work done in between.

Pickle goaded me into a game of air hockey. I am better than he is, but he works harder at it. He like to beat me and I find that if he wins I can get a little more work out of him. Sometimes though I have to whip his ass just to show him whose boss, i dirgress....

So there we are...at the game room at 10:50 Wednesday afternoon. There were four guys playing pool, which seemed odd and they had their eye on us soon as we started walking over. We ponied up to the table and it was unplugged.

The pool players smirked and turned around obviously thinking that they had made their point. Stupid is as stupid does so I plugged the baby in. I mean, who in the world would think that unplugging something would be a roadblock. I've been plugging in crap to outlets longer than i can remember. Matt looked at me, smilled and hit the coin entry to get her started.

One of the pool players holds up his arms like a policeman halting j-walkers in a small town and walks over to us with a concerned look on his face.

"Sorry guys, this is a tournament game, there is a sign here that says no pool during the tournament." He bends over to look for the sign on the side of the air hockey table. Now it was our time to smirk...we had deep sixed the sign weeks ago.

"Wait..well, there is supposed to be a sign here," Says the Air Hockey table cop.

I interject quickly, because I can see his confidence is slipping away and I wanted to get playing.

"The tournament is from 2-4...its a 11am..."

"Oh...this is a make up game,"

Now... that line was said assuming the following

1. I care
2. I might back down
3. I have any clue what he is talking about

So... i shrug my shoulders and move in a step closer towards the table... i mean come on. Get out of my way already. He's obviously not going to budge or say anything else. I had exhasuted my will to talk about the subject.

I had that feeling of lightheadedness I get before I really freak out. I get a little dizzy. Its as if god is saying...ok, go nuts. It was deffinately the strangest work environment situtation i had ever been in. I coud feel it! I was going to get in a brawl in the game room over air hockey! It was a trainwreck i couldn't stop.

Luckily... cooler heads prevailed. The Air Hockey cop interjected..."We would appreciate it if you let us finish our game."

Well, politness was just what the doctor ordered. All i could think of was, why didn't this fool say that in the first place. I was pretty pissed at this point though so I just turned around shook my head and left. This place is weird.

2005-01-04T17:38:00.000-08:00

My Last Top 5

Here it is... i hope you have enjoyed as much as I have

Top 5 Reasons I Do Not Want to Have Man Boobs

5. I can't wear tight shirts anymore - There goes half my wardrobe

4. Poor self image - I don't need anything else to make it harder to love myself.

3. Too much cyring - I will look even less manly if I am crying after looking at myself in the mirro and have man boobs.

2. They hurt - The pain caused by jiggling when I am going downstairs is simultaneously discomforting and nauseating.

1. I won't be able to be on the "skins team" during soccer games on hot days

2005-01-03T21:44:00.000-08:00

Top 5 T Shirts of All Time

Well, weekend is almost up and i am running out of steam. I hope you have enjoyed... i will dissapear for a while after this.

5. No One Knows I'm New Wave (white cotton, black letters - '92) - I made this one myself. I saw Mark Arm (Mudhoney) wearing one in rolling stone and I thought it was cool. Plus i love the cars.

4. Death to the Pixies (black cotton, white screen print - 90) - I stil have this one because it is so cool. I plan on passing it on to my children. My legacy will be a small black t shirt cause any money I have will deffinately be gone by then since it will probably cost me 100k a year to send them to college. I wore this to a grateful dead concert. I was the only person wearing black in the whole fucking place. I was so post punk.

3. Blue red tie die (cotton - 90) i bought this at my first grateful dead concert with Kris K. and Lahoda. We had to leave the concert early because Kris wanted to beat the traffic. Dude... that was so spazzy.

2. Ocean Pacific Hoody T Shirt (cotton - 83) There was a fad going on with OP stuff in the early 80s. One of the cool pieces were these thin cotton t shirt hoodies. It was the best. Long Sleve t shirts rule and this was had a hood which was even better. I would wear this one now if i had it. A timeless classic despite its 7th grade fad appeal.

1. Cycling - (blue cotton 01) I think my brother sent this to me, it is a nike t shirt that just says cycling. It is heavy cotton and simple. I love the font.

2005-01-03T14:35:00.000-08:00

Top Five Birds

I like birds.

5. Owls - They have HUGE wingspans. Its like watching a fat pteradactyl fly.

4. Herons - Also have huge wing, so graceful, so delicate.

3. Hawks - Just because the should be my nickname. Ted "hawk" Burns

2. City Falcons - My love of falcons started with the Blue Falcon cartoon. Then in VA i used to watch the falconers train their birds to hunt in the fields. However, in Toronto i got hooked on the city falcons that would live on the tops of buildings. They are so resiliant, they came back and took over the skys between buildings. I could watch them from my office on the 33rd floor of the Scotia Bank building and they would soar, and dive, and perch, it was super cool. Plus they kill pigeons which makes them all right by me.

1. Pelicans - Pelicans are simultaneously noble and goofy. They waddle around but they fly in huge packs and are awesome hunters. The best is when they shoot up into the air and nose dive right into the water after a fish. Talk about faith in your own abilities.

2005-01-02T01:19:00.000-08:00

Top Five Meals of All Time

I just ate at mcdonalds which made me think of good food. I had their new chicken strips. 5 was too many and 3 is too few. Once again i feel screwed by McDonalds.

Honorable mention: Tortialla with peanut butter and jello powder 1994 (Adirondacks, NY) I was so hungry I started dreaming about food. For some reason this combination came to mind and it was something to behold.

5.Garlic Ship Dish 99-Present (Toronot, ON-Menlo Pak Ct) Caitlin always makes this, it is social (you dip bread in the pan to soak up the garlicy olive oil) and has lots of garlic and olive oil. Bascially one sure fire way to make anything taste good is to add garlic and olive oil. It is a sure fire crowd pleaser

4. Hot Turkey Sandwhich 97 (Gloversville, NY) - Post bike race meal. I had this about 20 minutes after i finished. The next day i was almost completely recovered from the day before. Since then hot turkey sandwich and mashed potatoes are my magic food for job intereviews and bike races.

3. Gallerie Laffayetee 1980 (Paris, France) - My parents had been trucking us around parents and we went into the Gallarie Lafayette to use the washrooms. It is a huge Department store in paris. My dad and i were hungry so we went to the cafe and bought half a chicken. It was AMAZING. it was seasoned down to the bone and not greasy. We were both liking the one to keep the taste alive in out mouths, and it worked. Never had any chicken that came close to it since.

2. Marche 2001 (NY, NY) - Fancy NY french place on the upper east side. The super cool thing here was it was my first tasting menu at a restaurant and it came with wine. They brought a drink to match every course you have. Who knew such a think existied! I am such a bumpkin. When people know what they are doing eating is fun.

1. Thanksgiving 98' (Eastern Short, Maryland) - Up util this date i never really appreciated food. It really only ate for sustenance, ie. because i had to. I had had only one realy gourmand experience, (at the gallerie lafayette) and had no interest in huge meals. All i wanted was to feel full and not be grossed out. Anyway... girlfriend at the time took me to a thanksgiving dinner at friends of her parents out on the eastern shore. They had courses, great turkey, and a wine to go with every course. It was all planned and you could eat and drink a ton. God i love it when people match booze to food, that just seems classy to me. Again... i am a bumpkin.

2005-01-01T08:53:00.000-08:00

Top Five Pant Styles and Pairs of Pants
Pants are very complicated as you will see....they can't be too fancy and must be comfortable

5. Black parachute pants (Parachute pants1983) - I actually wore these a fair bit, they had nice linner and the pockets were convenient. I don't know why these are not still popular with all of the pockets.

4. Brown Dress Pants (Nordstroms - Cotton/Nylon blend 2003) - They travel well and the cuffs are 16.5 inches around making me look sort of like a mod. I can spill on them and don't need to iron them. They are perfection

3. Black comfort fit jeans - (Gap - 94) I died these late 80's faded blue jeans to black on ex wifes advice. They didn't last long but were super comfortable and looked cool with my green stiched doc marteens.

2. Green Army Pants (Army issue fatigues - 88-93) - I had 2-3 pairs bought at Army and Navy in Johnson City NY. I would wear them until they had holes that couldn't be patched up. The coolest thing was i had a grateful dead patch patching up the butt at one point. Some news photographer took a picture of my post punk hippie wear in montreal and it made the fashion section of the Montreal Gazzette in 1991 or 92.

1. Grey Ocean Pacific Cargo pants (Cargo pants 1984) - They made me feel and look like indiana jones. I could escape from my life a little everytime i put these on.

2005-01-01T08:33:00.000-08:00

Top 5 Things I Probably Should Not Have said to my in-laws last night

I find the theory behind this one very similar to the top 100 songs of the year list. Most albums that the labels think will sell well are released in August and September. So 75% of the list is from a period of four months.

5. "Canadian politicians screw around as much as US politicians" - This was pretty harmless but they seemed marginally offended

4. "Canada is going to have their own Red and Blue States" - DOH! I meant provinces!

3. "Canadians are the worst at judging their own character" - This one got Caitlin worked up. You'd think i didn't live in Canada half my life.

2. "I'm so drunk!" - For obvious reasons this should be retracted. I hope they didn't hear me.

1. "Canadians are famous for their war crimes." - This one came out totally wrong. I was trying to prove my point that Canadians have this dual character. Their Army has historically been poorly equipped and poorly trained. As a member of the commonwealth they were usually dropped in some of the bloodiest fighting, and as a result resorted to some of the most savage fighting to survive. IN WWI and WWII they were known as some of the "crazier" units because they would go totally beserk on the battlefield. Then in the 90s Canadians were charged with a whole bunch of war crimes in Somolia. Anyway.... all they heard was Canadians and war crimes and looked at me like I was a lunatic.

2005-01-01T01:01:00.000-08:00

Top Things I Would Take Back If I Could

I just saw 50 first dates...so if i could re-live anything here are the moments....

5. Agreeing with Ex Wife when she said she didn't want to get married the night before we got married - Yeah, it happend ... self explanatory

4. Kicking Tim something or other during a gym floor hockey game - Tim kicked me back and his creepy burn out friends laughed. Kicking him was so lame.

3. Not throwing Bob Dertinger out the window in english class the last time he tortured me - I was 14 or 15. I could have lasted in juvie for a year or two. Though his dad was in the FBI.... maybe it was a good choice afterall

2. Making a move on Caitlin during our fist date in NYC - Technically i was seeing somebody else but the writing was on the wall. Caitlin was hot, a doctor, and we were staying at the Paramount. Could i have been more of a tool?

1. Not reciprocating the hand holding gesture madde by Tricia Bell, my 7th crush, during a track meet in Ithaca. - She had just broken up with John Vaughn, now i know i was only 13 and totally immature and not ready for any kind of commitment but i relived this moment once a month until i was about 26. Now i only think about it every six months or so. When i hit my sixties i won't care any more... please make it come quick.

2004-12-31T18:07:00.000-08:00

Top 10 Why I love Thanksgiving

I had regrets that I did not make thanksgiving number 1 on my holiday list. So i decided to memorialize it with its own list. Some of it will be redundant.

10. Mashed potatoes - Possibly the best foot ever. Hmm.. these taters are too hard. Lets add some milk and a stick of butter... mmmm, but the taste has gone, lets add some salt...mmmm. Whoever invented these was a genius.

9. Food mixing - No other time of the year is it appropriate to mix foods on your plate and in your mouth to such a degree. I like turkey/stufing and cranberry sauce in one mouthful. It is mild and homey yet tangy and exciting.

8. Football - Detroit and Dalas... i really don't give a shit about either but it is fun to watch john madden pretend to eat turkey. Also, a little pick up game can be good if you can get it going.

7. Parades - Good god Bryant Gumble is a good looking man! I don't give a shit about santa claus, i just like seeing Alan Thick lip sync.

6. Floats - Isn't a huge helium object in the middle of the street a fire hazard? If the terrorists were smart they would just shoot flaming arrrows at the giant Kermit, Woody Woodpecker and Underdog. Come to think of it, do you think the kids these days have any idea who Underdog is let alone Bullwinkle?

5. No presents - But you have to start thinking about them.

4. Pilgrims - A totally bizzare and random mascot for a holiday which makes them interesting. They aren't cute, were total prudes, they all died, and they have horrible accessories. A blunderbuss and a cornucopia of squash? Thats and action figure i would totally buy!

3. The quiet hour - At about 4 PM there is not a sole on the roads. IT is so quiet and peaceful it is a great time to go for a walk. It is probably the safest time of the year. The worst is about 6 hours later when all the drunks are driving home.

2. Pumpkin Pie - The only thanks giving food that is good at dinner and breakfast. We should always have pumpkin pie for breakfast.

1. Escape From Canada Day - Canadians all work on Thanksgiving and it is a two day holiday. Nobody else celebrates it... only the US and it is two whole days. I always like getting out of Canada and calling my friends in Toronto and telling them about the parades and football games they were missing.

2004-12-31T16:38:00.000-08:00

The Best & Worst Holidays

The inspiriation goes without saying. You are all probably drunk right now anyhow...

Worst Holidays
5. Fathers Day - My dad pays me not to say anything about this.

4. My Birthday -I never get anything good because my friends are always buying me drinks due to the conflict with St Patricks Day. Its like having your Birthday on Christmas only I associate my birthday with a hangover.

3. Mothers Day - Once again I forget and feel guilty. Please make the pain stop doctor melfi... i just can't take it anymore.

2. New Years - This holiday is all about overblown expectations. It is like a bad highscool party. You get drunk for now reason, have to walk home 5 miles cause there are no cabs, and feel horrible the next day. JUST LIKE HIGHSCOOL.

1. Vanlentines Day - Man.. what a scam. Hallmark should be blown up for this one. It is impossible to get dinner reservations, it is impossible to get flowers, and anything you do get for your sigo, short of a fucking diamond baseball gets you in trouble. Its lose-lose. I have never ever had a good valentines day. In fact one of the worst fight with my ex wife was over valentines day, the ben and jerrys didn't cut it. The moral of the story is if a girl/guy ever says they would be happy with "just a card" don't believe them. That means... spend big fucker, you owe me.

Best Holidays
5. Easter - Yellow marshmellow bunnies and ducks -how weird and german!

4. Roshashana/Yom Kipur - Both mysterious and weird. We should all get off for this holiday, fasting is good. Plus there is a war named after it...how cool is that.

3. Christmas -While always painful you get cool stuff and something fun always happens. For several years i spent mine on a gambling boat in peoria, both sad and exhilerating at the same time. And you all though you knew me and jon! I always smelled like smoke on christmas day.

2. Thanksgiving - I love parades! The food is good, family is still normal going into the xmas build up and it is acceptable to sit on the couch drink beer and watch football. Its like guy heaven.

1. St Patricks Day - No you are all not irish for one day. Lets leave it at that. I have an irish name, irish grandparents and i was born on st patricks day. And... you all buy me drinks. I wish you would just buy me a god damn present too.

2004-12-31T14:57:00.000-08:00

Top Breakfast Places

Just finished breakfast.... it was a late morning, made me think of a new list. Not all based on food...

5. Green Spot (Montreal, PQ) - The perfect greasy spoon in a what used to be a SCAREY neighbourhood. It is totally yuppie now, all the strip clubs and brasseries are gone. However, the juke boxes still work and the waitresses still smoke. If you didn't know smoke makes the toast taste better.

4. Take a Break (Vestal, NY) - Used to have the best homefries and steak breakfast in the world. Untill the owner went to jail.

3. Red Robin (Johnson City, NY) The food is crap, the service is horrible but it is the COOLEST looking dinner http://www.taghkanicdiner.com/Gallery/RedRobin.jpg

2. Diplomatico (Toronto, ON) Was located about 100 yard from my house on College and Clintong. Grilled cheese and fries was $3.75 CDN!. It was the cheapest thing on the menu, it had a KICK ass outdoor patio and once you figure out the politics of the wait staff (hint: never ever move tables, don't grab chicks ass, speak a little russian and italian) you could get served easily.

1. Franks Place (Falls Church, VA; Where do i start.... in fact Franks place deserves its own list.

Here are the top 5 things (making this a top ten list, see how annoying this is now) i love about franks place.

5. The white NOVA trash decor - Apparently one of the owners loved nascar, corvettes, and the redskins.

4. $ 3.50 for eggs, toast, coffe and home fries. Never tou good, never too bad - consistent right down the line

3. The sand bowling game - it cost less than a dollar to get started and must have been there since 1964

2. Barb - She was blond, 50 something, 5'10' and had done some partying in her day. I didn't even have to order, she knew my name (well, she called me honey and dear) and my breakfast would just show up. We'd catch up after i ate.

1. Location, location, location - I could walk to Franks place which was great because we used to go there on my birthday and they were totally unprepared for a st patricks day crowd. They litterally had to call in the reserves for a group of 10 people.Honorable mention: Hal once threatended to stab my friend russell with a fork if russel tried to take a piece of halls pancakes. It was the best 2 minute stare down ever. I wish russel and gone for it, but I guess it is better because i am sure we would have been in the emergency room for ever. Like i said... franks is just magical.

Ted

2004-12-31T00:31:00.000-08:00

Customer Service Dead Pool

I have spent too much time this year on the phone with computer, phone, internet, whatever customer service people. They all deserve a place in hell. This may be biased by some bad experiences but most of them do deserve to die. I will try to keep these succinct since they already took up too much of my life. Imagine the story being the short phrase

5. Wrenchscience - I know you are smoking up right now!

4. Volkswagen - You need proof my car is "american made"

3. AOL - India/Oklahoma City/India/Oklahoma City (3.14159265)

2. Royal Bank - Written apology

1. Comcast - $120 in refunds, 3 weeks sans internet, 15 calls dialed, 9 calls received, 6 new cable connectors, 3 cable guys, 2 hangups, 2 new modems, 1 supervisor, 1 new cable, 1 vacation, 1 "basic install"

2004-12-31T00:15:00.000-08:00

Organ Donation List

I desperately want to help humanity when i die, however... what if i wake up in the casket. Or... what if when you cross over to the other side, you take the things you are burried with. I think the egyptians had it down cold... they know what is up regarding dead people for sure.Here are the things i feel strongly about in regards to organ donation.

5. Heart - Take it... i mean if i am in the spirit world and i have no heart i will be like Clint in Unforgiven.

4. Lungs - Breathing is a hassel, and allergies, who needs em.

3. Kidney - Hell, I would give one up now... well, to my brother Jon at least. Way to go bro... you have a free kidney - do some more whipits!

2. Liver - I'll keep it. I might want to have a cocktail. I like a dirty martinis.

1. Eyes - This is very sensitive for me. The eyes cannot be touched. I can't wear contacts or bear the though of waking up in a coffin (spirit or corporeal) and not having eyes. I mean that would not only be gross but way to disorienting. I would look like a zombie in a tim burton movie.

2004-12-30T23:30:00.000-08:00

Things I Want Really Really Bad But Nobody Will Say It is Okay to Buy Because They Are Too Wrapped Up In Their Pathetic Scared Lives

If you were not totally scared by the title I hope you stay with me, it should be a short and boring one...

5. Flat Screen TV: I don't want a huge plasma screen God... only 30 inches. I will use it only for good.

4. New Dog: Simcoe is great but he needs friends.

3. Track Bike: I want a space bike like you can find on http://www.usauzziesales.com/. They are the coolest... they would even look good on a wall.

2. Blockbuster to fall into the ocean: Along with all of my "late video" debt. Who the hell is blockbuster to decide what i can take for two days and what i can take for 20! Yes... i know Netflix works but what the hell, sometimes i can't get the latest "Sex in the City" for caitlin fast enough. The sad things is they now have an all you can eat club and i refuse to join because i feel like it is a con. Realistically I would save money.

1. A really, really expensive paiting. At this point in time I want something like a Diebenkorn, AJ Casson, Hopper or Wyeth. If you want to steal something for me i have two favoirites. One is in the SF Moma and the other is in the National Gallery in DC. Get to work...

2004-12-30T19:18:00.000-08:00

It is the time of year for lists. List your resolutions, top ten great loves, and the top 105 songs played on LIVE 105.1 KROK in year 2004. Personally I hate lists. They don't say anything. They bore me....they have no context. However... I am trying to throw a lot of stuff out of my house right now and therefore need to memorialize some items. I hope you understand but I am going to pepper you with my lists over the coming weekend of stuff I am about to toss into the Menlo Park Goodwill pile. Most of my shit doesn't make the grade here and goes straigt to the trash but what can you do.

Teds Top 10 Favorite lifetime pairs of shoes.

10. Black Leather Da Boot Dress Shoes - Super comfortable and look dressy. They scream I am a straight serious male.

9. Vasque hiking shoes - I bought them at a store in the Johnson City Mall and I still use them, they need a lot of glue but they keep going.

8. Leather moccosins - I got these in ithaca at that leather store that was on the main street whose name i forget. They had birkenstocks too. I could take them back every few months and get them resoled and they only got more comfortable. Though the last time i went back to get them the store hand changed owners and they had no idea where my moccasins had gone. I hold out that they will turn up. They were great because they were made some really thick leather like a baseball glove.

7. Blue Saucony running shoes - I won these from the gym at AOL. They fit which was a thrill for me. I have small feet and shoes that actually fit are hard to find.

6. Duegi Leather cycling shoes. I put my soccer days behind me when i got these. I still have them and use them on the track. The leather is perfect. I think it is kangarroo or something.

5. Birkenstock felt clogs - Oh my god.. i feel like i am in pajamas when i wear these.

4. First pair of doc martens -They had green stiching, i love green. I was so punk.

3. Patrick Indoor Soccer shoes. I rebelled against the soccer community, who all wore sambas, and got a pair of Patricks which I drove my parents crazy getting because the only distributor was in NYC. Shortly after I started wearing patricks Brent Mabee called me a fag and I was cut from all of the soccer teams.

2. Blue Steve Cabbaleros Vans - Fat, Blue, and chunky. I am cool in blue, and these were SO fucking comfrtabe. I love chunky shoes... makes me feel like a man.

1. Dark green addidas with white stripes i got when i was 7. I had to return them at christmas and never got another pair as cool. I am faster in green shoes.