Top 10 Why I love Thanksgiving

I had regrets that I did not make thanksgiving number 1 on my holiday list. So i decided to memorialize it with its own list. Some of it will be redundant.

10. Mashed potatoes - Possibly the best foot ever. Hmm.. these taters are too hard. Lets add some milk and a stick of butter... mmmm, but the taste has gone, lets add some salt...mmmm. Whoever invented these was a genius.

9. Food mixing - No other time of the year is it appropriate to mix foods on your plate and in your mouth to such a degree. I like turkey/stufing and cranberry sauce in one mouthful. It is mild and homey yet tangy and exciting.

8. Football - Detroit and Dalas... i really don't give a shit about either but it is fun to watch john madden pretend to eat turkey. Also, a little pick up game can be good if you can get it going.

7. Parades - Good god Bryant Gumble is a good looking man! I don't give a shit about santa claus, i just like seeing Alan Thick lip sync.

6. Floats - Isn't a huge helium object in the middle of the street a fire hazard? If the terrorists were smart they would just shoot flaming arrrows at the giant Kermit, Woody Woodpecker and Underdog. Come to think of it, do you think the kids these days have any idea who Underdog is let alone Bullwinkle?

5. No presents - But you have to start thinking about them.

4. Pilgrims - A totally bizzare and random mascot for a holiday which makes them interesting. They aren't cute, were total prudes, they all died, and they have horrible accessories. A blunderbuss and a cornucopia of squash? Thats and action figure i would totally buy!

3. The quiet hour - At about 4 PM there is not a sole on the roads. IT is so quiet and peaceful it is a great time to go for a walk. It is probably the safest time of the year. The worst is about 6 hours later when all the drunks are driving home.

2. Pumpkin Pie - The only thanks giving food that is good at dinner and breakfast. We should always have pumpkin pie for breakfast.

1. Escape From Canada Day - Canadians all work on Thanksgiving and it is a two day holiday. Nobody else celebrates it... only the US and it is two whole days. I always like getting out of Canada and calling my friends in Toronto and telling them about the parades and football games they were missing.

The Best & Worst Holidays

The inspiriation goes without saying. You are all probably drunk right now anyhow...

Worst Holidays
5. Fathers Day - My dad pays me not to say anything about this.

4. My Birthday -I never get anything good because my friends are always buying me drinks due to the conflict with St Patricks Day. Its like having your Birthday on Christmas only I associate my birthday with a hangover.

3. Mothers Day - Once again I forget and feel guilty. Please make the pain stop doctor melfi... i just can't take it anymore.

2. New Years - This holiday is all about overblown expectations. It is like a bad highscool party. You get drunk for now reason, have to walk home 5 miles cause there are no cabs, and feel horrible the next day. JUST LIKE HIGHSCOOL.

1. Vanlentines Day - Man.. what a scam. Hallmark should be blown up for this one. It is impossible to get dinner reservations, it is impossible to get flowers, and anything you do get for your sigo, short of a fucking diamond baseball gets you in trouble. Its lose-lose. I have never ever had a good valentines day. In fact one of the worst fight with my ex wife was over valentines day, the ben and jerrys didn't cut it. The moral of the story is if a girl/guy ever says they would be happy with "just a card" don't believe them. That means... spend big fucker, you owe me.

Best Holidays
5. Easter - Yellow marshmellow bunnies and ducks -how weird and german!

4. Roshashana/Yom Kipur - Both mysterious and weird. We should all get off for this holiday, fasting is good. Plus there is a war named after it...how cool is that.

3. Christmas -While always painful you get cool stuff and something fun always happens. For several years i spent mine on a gambling boat in peoria, both sad and exhilerating at the same time. And you all though you knew me and jon! I always smelled like smoke on christmas day.

2. Thanksgiving - I love parades! The food is good, family is still normal going into the xmas build up and it is acceptable to sit on the couch drink beer and watch football. Its like guy heaven.

1. St Patricks Day - No you are all not irish for one day. Lets leave it at that. I have an irish name, irish grandparents and i was born on st patricks day. And... you all buy me drinks. I wish you would just buy me a god damn present too.

Top Breakfast Places

Just finished breakfast.... it was a late morning, made me think of a new list. Not all based on food...

5. Green Spot (Montreal, PQ) - The perfect greasy spoon in a what used to be a SCAREY neighbourhood. It is totally yuppie now, all the strip clubs and brasseries are gone. However, the juke boxes still work and the waitresses still smoke. If you didn't know smoke makes the toast taste better.

4. Take a Break (Vestal, NY) - Used to have the best homefries and steak breakfast in the world. Untill the owner went to jail.

3. Red Robin (Johnson City, NY) The food is crap, the service is horrible but it is the COOLEST looking dinner http://www.taghkanicdiner.com/Gallery/RedRobin.jpg

2. Diplomatico (Toronto, ON) Was located about 100 yard from my house on College and Clintong. Grilled cheese and fries was $3.75 CDN!. It was the cheapest thing on the menu, it had a KICK ass outdoor patio and once you figure out the politics of the wait staff (hint: never ever move tables, don't grab chicks ass, speak a little russian and italian) you could get served easily.

1. Franks Place (Falls Church, VA; Where do i start.... in fact Franks place deserves its own list.

Here are the top 5 things (making this a top ten list, see how annoying this is now) i love about franks place.

5. The white NOVA trash decor - Apparently one of the owners loved nascar, corvettes, and the redskins.

4. $ 3.50 for eggs, toast, coffe and home fries. Never tou good, never too bad - consistent right down the line

3. The sand bowling game - it cost less than a dollar to get started and must have been there since 1964

2. Barb - She was blond, 50 something, 5'10' and had done some partying in her day. I didn't even have to order, she knew my name (well, she called me honey and dear) and my breakfast would just show up. We'd catch up after i ate.

1. Location, location, location - I could walk to Franks place which was great because we used to go there on my birthday and they were totally unprepared for a st patricks day crowd. They litterally had to call in the reserves for a group of 10 people.Honorable mention: Hal once threatended to stab my friend russell with a fork if russel tried to take a piece of halls pancakes. It was the best 2 minute stare down ever. I wish russel and gone for it, but I guess it is better because i am sure we would have been in the emergency room for ever. Like i said... franks is just magical.

Ted

Customer Service Dead Pool

I have spent too much time this year on the phone with computer, phone, internet, whatever customer service people. They all deserve a place in hell. This may be biased by some bad experiences but most of them do deserve to die. I will try to keep these succinct since they already took up too much of my life. Imagine the story being the short phrase

5. Wrenchscience - I know you are smoking up right now!

4. Volkswagen - You need proof my car is "american made"

3. AOL - India/Oklahoma City/India/Oklahoma City (3.14159265)

2. Royal Bank - Written apology

1. Comcast - $120 in refunds, 3 weeks sans internet, 15 calls dialed, 9 calls received, 6 new cable connectors, 3 cable guys, 2 hangups, 2 new modems, 1 supervisor, 1 new cable, 1 vacation, 1 "basic install"

Organ Donation List

I desperately want to help humanity when i die, however... what if i wake up in the casket. Or... what if when you cross over to the other side, you take the things you are burried with. I think the egyptians had it down cold... they know what is up regarding dead people for sure.Here are the things i feel strongly about in regards to organ donation.

5. Heart - Take it... i mean if i am in the spirit world and i have no heart i will be like Clint in Unforgiven.

4. Lungs - Breathing is a hassel, and allergies, who needs em.

3. Kidney - Hell, I would give one up now... well, to my brother Jon at least. Way to go bro... you have a free kidney - do some more whipits!

2. Liver - I'll keep it. I might want to have a cocktail. I like a dirty martinis.

1. Eyes - This is very sensitive for me. The eyes cannot be touched. I can't wear contacts or bear the though of waking up in a coffin (spirit or corporeal) and not having eyes. I mean that would not only be gross but way to disorienting. I would look like a zombie in a tim burton movie.

Things I Want Really Really Bad But Nobody Will Say It is Okay to Buy Because They Are Too Wrapped Up In Their Pathetic Scared Lives



If you were not totally scared by the title I hope you stay with me, it should be a short and boring one...



5. Flat Screen TV: I don't want a huge plasma screen God... only 30 inches. I will use it only for good.

4. New Dog: Simcoe is great but he needs friends.

3. Track Bike: I want a space bike like you can find on http://www.usauzziesales.com/. They are the coolest... they would even look good on a wall.

2. Blockbuster to fall into the ocean: Along with all of my "late video" debt. Who the hell is blockbuster to decide what i can take for two days and what i can take for 20! Yes... i know Netflix works but what the hell, sometimes i can't get the latest "Sex in the City" for caitlin fast enough. The sad things is they now have an all you can eat club and i refuse to join because i feel like it is a con. Realistically I would save money.

1. A really, really expensive paiting. At this point in time I want something like a Diebenkorn, AJ Casson, Hopper or Wyeth. If you want to steal something for me i have two favoirites. One is in the SF Moma and the other is in the National Gallery in DC. Get to work...

It is the time of year for lists. List your resolutions, top ten great loves, and the top 105 songs played on LIVE 105.1 KROK in year 2004. Personally I hate lists. They don't say anything. They bore me....they have no context. However... I am trying to throw a lot of stuff out of my house right now and therefore need to memorialize some items. I hope you understand but I am going to pepper you with my lists over the coming weekend of stuff I am about to toss into the Menlo Park Goodwill pile. Most of my shit doesn't make the grade here and goes straigt to the trash but what can you do.

Teds Top 10 Favorite lifetime pairs of shoes.

10. Black Leather Da Boot Dress Shoes - Super comfortable and look dressy. They scream I am a straight serious male.

9. Vasque hiking shoes - I bought them at a store in the Johnson City Mall and I still use them, they need a lot of glue but they keep going.

8. Leather moccosins - I got these in ithaca at that leather store that was on the main street whose name i forget. They had birkenstocks too. I could take them back every few months and get them resoled and they only got more comfortable. Though the last time i went back to get them the store hand changed owners and they had no idea where my moccasins had gone. I hold out that they will turn up. They were great because they were made some really thick leather like a baseball glove.

7. Blue Saucony running shoes - I won these from the gym at AOL. They fit which was a thrill for me. I have small feet and shoes that actually fit are hard to find.

6. Duegi Leather cycling shoes. I put my soccer days behind me when i got these. I still have them and use them on the track. The leather is perfect. I think it is kangarroo or something.

5. Birkenstock felt clogs - Oh my god.. i feel like i am in pajamas when i wear these.

4. First pair of doc martens -They had green stiching, i love green. I was so punk.

3. Patrick Indoor Soccer shoes. I rebelled against the soccer community, who all wore sambas, and got a pair of Patricks which I drove my parents crazy getting because the only distributor was in NYC. Shortly after I started wearing patricks Brent Mabee called me a fag and I was cut from all of the soccer teams.

2. Blue Steve Cabbaleros Vans - Fat, Blue, and chunky. I am cool in blue, and these were SO fucking comfrtabe. I love chunky shoes... makes me feel like a man.

1. Dark green addidas with white stripes i got when i was 7. I had to return them at christmas and never got another pair as cool. I am faster in green shoes.